BACKWARDSLAND
coming rightside up
Hello puddlewug,
How are you?
I HAVE A STORY
One time, while living in the redwood trees of Northern California, I did what any truth-seeking hippy would do and ingested mushrooms.
PORTOBELLO AND SHITAKE, OBVIOUSLY.*
Outside the quintessential ‘70’s geodesic dome in the middle of the forest where I had managed to find myself living in with 2 veganic farmers I synchronistically met, I sat outside barefoot on a log and waited for “something to happen” or for the mushrooms to “kick in”
After about 30 minutes of silence, I felt relaxed and asked the mushrooms “OK, I am ready to heal - show me what I need to see to heal - I am ready to experience any repressed trauma that need to come up to be processed in order for me to heal so I can be FREE?! LET’S DO THIS!”
The mushroom said “This is exactly your problem we want you to become conscious of, Carlen. You treat healing like it is meant to be a violent sport when we are here helping you to feel relaxed. Relaxing IS a form of healing, Carlen. Can you realize that relaxing and sitting quietly in the sun is healing?”
As a highly ambitious human who has historically tried to “excel” and “perfect” everything I do, I realized in this surreal moment that I was applying the same cold aggression to my entire healing journey that I had applied to every other facet of my life, which so many of us experience.
BTW: Plants and trees have taught me more than any human ever has and this is partially why I call this Substack and many parts of my work “EARTH TO CARLEN”!
Do you love the SPIRITUAL ADVISORY™ logo I designed? LOL
THIS SUBSTACK AND ALL I SHARE IS IMPLICIT CONTENT SO THIS IS NOT EVEN A JOKE LOL (jk it is all a joke)
If you read our Safety Series posts, I mentioned that feeling safe and relaxed has become my updated concept of a healthy foundation in life, when it comes to art, relationships, a career, or anything else.
Safety can also be delightful and exciting. I pride myself on being an exciting and safe person at once. I really do believe we can have it all.
Growing up in Manhattan in a very dysfunctional overstimulating environment, I NEVER felt safe or relaxed - I was always waiting for “shit to hit the fan” and always feeling like I needed to keep doing more and more to be safe and productive.
School and jobs felt overwhelming and like I needed to abandon myself to “succeed”
I thought this “vibration” was “the norm”;
This vibration programmed everything within me and around me, magnetizing others with the similar childhood programs to me.
This highly ambitious, disembodied hypervigilant and perfectionistic way of living led me to all sorts of chronic health issues which I am finally resolving now after literally 40 years of going from doctor to doctor.
Our society is set up in such a way where most people NEVER feel safe or relaxed (especially when bombarded by quick-cuts of horror on screena and the wireless radiation/nEMFs we are exposed to, which the body experiences as “non native” stressors)
Equally, we are taught by society to ‘feel guilty’ or ‘weak’ if we prioritize rest over productivity - feel sensitive towards things that others don’t notice or feel - or prioritize feeling safety and alignment over a high profile / highly demanding career.
When I had an inconvenient spiritual awakening in 2017 after the death of my father, it was my body and soul’s attempt at begging me to wake up and get off the wrong path I was on (even if on paper it looked like I was “making it”)
The last project I did before ‘leaving my old chapter’, becoming a cave goblin, and eventually moving into the woods (only to get spit out and end up back in NYC!)
Through my spiritual awakening, I was forced to make healing and spirituality my “job” ; however I unconsciously treated it with the same obsessive rigor I had treated everything else with - and this is partially why it took me so long to heal.
I recognize now how common “aggressive healing” is - and how counterproductive this is, despite how well-intentioned it is.
I have finally found that deep healing can only happen in the parasympathetic state (rest and digest) whereas most people are in the sympathetic state (fight or flight)
Yet, if you look on social media or other aspects of society, everything seems geared to putting us in a state of fear or “not enough-ness” like we need to be “pushing ourselves” in everything we do - and competitive with everyone we meet (even about HEALING! wtf!)
Then, because we are so trained to avoid our emotions, we often end up seeking constant ‘healing content’ to distract us from actually sitting in the discomfort of rest!
This is ontop of the unnaturally low Dopamine most of us have, which is why we often seek out CORTISOL to fuel our day (which we can only get from stress/urgency/deadlines)
It is so deep! And yet we are here to connect the dots together, aren’t we? :)
This past year, I have finally embraced rest and relaxation because I finally feel SAFE for the first time to rest and relax.
And wouldn’t you know it - my body is now allowing me to eat whatever I want, without responding with allergies!
I used to only be able to eat grassfed beef and cooked vegetables or I would feel sick for days. Now I can go to the mall and eat a random icecream and feel fine (I still do avoid pesticides as much as possible - but it isn’t the Hell it once was…)
This is because I have lowered my inputs of stress or my “allostatic load” and my body is not seeing everything as a threat anymore, hence why I feel inspired to create again!
Our body is ALWAYS trying to help protect us. There is no self sabotage.
Our dreams and goals and souls are waiting for us to promise we won’t abandon ourselves again - and this is what I help others with in my 1:1 sessions.
I also began taking a course from this man to further my learnings and I will let you know how it goes.
I am wishing you the permission to rest and relax.
If you need help, find me at my website or just stare at this soothing image below.
LOVE,
CARLEN
*(Note: I do not condone illegal activity or seek to glamorize psychedelics as a ‘cure-all’ for everything.)
PAIRED WITH: