self betrayal

selling out is soul'ing out - Part 1/2

I have a 50% kidding conspiracy theory that mainstream comedy is intentionally unfunny because laughter really is the best medicine and THE ELITES don’t want people to heal #deep ?! JK LOL

Isn’t it so corny that TV uses laugh tracks to try to get people to laugh at the times where it was just too untalented to generate on it’s own?

What if someone unskilled in da bedroom made a fake org*asm machine and pressed “play” to have a fake orgasm track to try to encourage their partner to have a cathartic release on cue despite their lackluster delivery?

I TOLD YOU I WAS BAD AT SMALL TALK

Today’s post is about SELF BETRAYAL.

Recently I have been thinking about how society and many of our families and outdated relationships celebrate self-betrayal and misalignment on all levels.

Whether it is working harder than feels natural to keep up with demands/rent, saying yes to unpaid opportunities from moneyed-pockets because it is a “good experience” or “good credit”, or hiding our emotions because we don’t want to seem “inconvenient” (and mess up our dysfunctional family dynamics by lighting a fart of truth) - ALL of these “held in farts”/self abandonments can live in the body as self-betrayal.

Because I was punished for my feelings growing up, and consistently gaslit on every level, I learned that self-betrayal made me a “lovable and good person” even though I was constantly anxious and miserable inside.

Because survival trumps ‘truth’ especially in childhood, I created an entire identity based on people-pleasing and martyrdom, which was exhausting and made me literally sick from age 4-33.

I am not kidding.

However, since age 33, (almost a decade of work) I have been focusing on alignment on all levels.

From detoxifying my body and pineal gland of calcification and artificial toxins, aligning my posture and face to biomechanical harmony, balancing my brain hemispheres and hips, along with making sure my relationships, my purchases, and everything reflects my alignment - I now have very little tolerance for any level of imbalance.

I realize that most people are out of alignment - on every level. It is so common that people don’t even know what physical and spiritual alignment feels like.

Those of us who are the “black sheep of the family” were the ones who often got blamed for the problems when we were really just the messengers of imbalance, asked to contort ourselves to fit the dysfunction of those we were surrounded by, and call it “normal”

When we are reliant on unconscious, sick caretakers, we have to match their level of imbalance and repression to ensure we are cared for instead of being abandoned.

It is not safe to be abandoned by our caretakers and so many of us self-abandon to stay in relation with abusive caretakers and all types of relationships and collaborators.

The way I see it now, those of us who experienced chronic fatigue and anxiety were never the problem - the system was the problem.

But when you can’t leave a system, often times you must abandon yourself until you can. However, the body/soul notices everything and rebels in it’s own way, the longer we self-abandon.

Over time - when there are years of self-abandonment building up our allostatic load, FINALLY our body/soul will express as a “nervous breakdown” or “chronic illness” in its attempt to set up boundaries when our mind/voice won’t.

The thing is - it is not our fault and we do not need to be mad at ourselves for self-abandoning all these years.

We only self abandon when we don’t think we will be loved or accepted for being the real us. And sadly, the real us is NOT palatable to everyone - and that is OK <3

We only self abandon when we are reliant on other people’s protection and love - instead of remembering now we are reliant on our own/God’s protection and love.

God’s love will never abandon us, even if we stop abandoning ourselves/our inner knowing (our intuition is God speaking)

Gnosis is inner gnowledge/knowledge; in my opinion, gnosis comes through the nose in the form of breath/air;

Similarly, enlightenment comes through the light.

Both light and air are holy spirit made manifest in environmental/physical form which is why protecting our access to unadulterated sunlight and clean air is a spiritual right not just an environmental right.

Harming Earth is harming God and that’s why I am so passionate about helping this planet - but not at my own expense, any longer.

My body gave me chronic exhaustion and anxiety as a way to SCREAM at me to ‘change my ways,’ and start protecting myself, but equally ‘changing my ways’ required a complete overhaul of my life and never being reliant on those who disrespect me and saying YES to myself and my OWN dreams and ambitions, instead of making others dreams come true (which were closer to nightmares)

You are either working to make someone else’s dreams come true or your own. Waking up is realizing that your dreams ARE God’s dreams put inside of you. When you focus on making your dreams come true, you are helping bring love onto this planet which ironically is the new dream/Paradigm we are “waking up to” (not from)

Making our dreams come true instead of fulfilling the doomsday dreams of others.

Equally, to focus on your dreams you often need some level of financial independence to have the time and space to focus.

This is why energetic AND financial independence is so important.

After the death of my dad in 2017 (where I moved in with him and tried to save his life and got sick in the process), I finally began healing from a lifetime of people-pleasing and self abandonment and began putting myself first and taking up space for the first time.

I spent the last 10 years titrating towards self-remembrance, taking up space, re-alignment, and no longer abandoning myself on any level - and let me tell you it has been a ROCKY ROAD.

But there is no other way.

I physically and emotionally cannot abandon myself ever again.

I literally cannot do anything I don’t want to do or mask any longer.

I AM ALLERGIC TO FAKENESS ON EVERY LEVEL.

Is this “AuDHD”, hormonal and neurotransmitter imbalances, or my soul and body coming online? Perhaps a combination of all of the above.

Whatever it is, it can feel lonely sometimes when you refuse to tolerate abuse or refuse to play small;

You are seen as “selfish”, lazy, a bitch, or “inconvenient” and yet I would rather be lonely than fake.

Luckily, my concept of ‘success’ is very different, especially now that I have stepped out of the American forcefield of “fame and wealth at any cost = success"!

I work for God and I would rather have less money and have more energy, than make more money at the expense of my body and soul.

To me, health IS wealth and health is about alignment on all levels. Not just material wealth.

I would rather not be famous if that fame is based on self-abandonment, peddling toxic fear-mongering ideas, or tolerating work dynamics that are abusive, unboundaried, or extractive.

Equally, I believe it is possible to have internal wealth/integrity AND enough external “Mammon”/material wealth to live in a way that truly honors yourself and God/Love.

I know that this IS the New Paradigm. From parasitism to symbiosis.

Equally, the New Paradigm is not about burning things down with nothing to replace it. If we aren’t going the Orwellian Smart city direction, which way are we going?

TO A HIGHER TIMELINE OF LIBERATION ON ALL LEVELS

Social media and even Substack is trying to shift our faith and imagination to expect subpar timelines but I REFUSE to use my sexy imagination for that.

I am building the reality I wish to see, starting in my own body of liberation.

Our liberation is everyone’s liberation.

And when it comes to liberation, I believe the New Paradigm (which starts within our own consciousness), it IS possible to have it all.

Comfort and moral. Peace and justice.

It IS possible to have healthy work and family relationships when everyone is willing to take personal responsibility.

It is possible to make companies and media and products that feel GOOD on all levels, and where everyone is treated fairly - including the plants, animals and minerals that make the materials of our products.

It just might be the straight and narrow path that takes YEARS LONGER and widdle down your friend/collaborator group to like 4 people. It might involve you moving to a new country or to the DUMB CITY I AM BUILDING. (opposite of a Smart City, lol)

The straight and narrow path might not be Instagram-popular, in the way that the fake Canva perfect polarized sensational succubus simping is.

Digital Shadowbanning is digital ‘chemtrails’ in an attempt to hide real light. But guess what?

We don’t need false light of follower-count or Meta products that use our images for machine learning anymore to tell us who is real and who isn’t.

I don’t need the approval of any person or system which tries to extract from or dim my light - or asks me to pay while continuing to extract from.

Love is magnetism or symbiosis, which is the New Paradigm of Consciousness (the original paradigm before our visions got warped by those with crossed 3rd eyes and tried to blind us to their level of consciousness because it was all they knew/the light they could handle…)

This planet - and our own consciousness - has been artificially run by Fear/force - held in place by constricted breaths, hips, pelvises, and imaginations.

Fear and force do not feel good in the body because they are not God in the body.

Fear and force does not energize us, it depletes us.

This is actually HEALTHY.

Fear and force are the opposite of love; they are false magnetism which is parasitism which is the Old Paradigm and for which people need billions of dollars of coffee, stimulants, advertising to prop up like a bad version of Weekend at Bernies.

Equally, I have love for all these humans and levels of consciousness that exist - even the most annoying ones - because they make up the beautiful tapestry that is reality.

If you work in media, film or the arts, you know how parasitic these industries can be - but really, ANY industry can have imbalances of power.

I thought the Brooklyn indie hipster film industry was gross, but the spiritual/wellness/”truther” industry is just as incongruent to me, if not moreso because it presents itself as holier than thou, whereas the New York film industry is openly working in illusions.

I love the cast of characters I have met along my journey, because it is all a funny movie and we always have the last laugh, don’t we?

We don’t have to fix anyone else or fix any industry, we just need to do our own thing, which is easier than ever if we put all our technologies (inner and outer) towards it.

We don’t have to tell people they are ‘wrong’ or prove a point that we were harmed to those unwilling to be conscious because it threatens their profit or prophet - just let reality/God/energy sort itself out.

Everyone is playing a part in your alchemy.

Equally, feel your anger at the false profits and prophets who have tried to extract from you and others with their false LED Ring lights and pseudo Shaman-esque sweatshop made boho hats (or whatever sartorial indicator is relevant to your subculture of artifice)

Let them feed the beast system while you feed a new system and know you don’t have to go that way to succeed.

I am busy making non-toxic clothing and products and helping us get access to unadulterated foods, so we don’t have to become homogenized ‘adults’ lacking live and active cultures.

We are here to eat/become the live and active cultures with complex microbiomes - we don’t need to support gross systems which disrespect innocence of any kind. Let them go party over there.

THE DAYS OF THE FALSE PROPHET ARE OVER BWAHAHAHA

Equally, let’s thank the false prophets because they could see our light before we could and they did pave the way.

You being extracted from false prophets is a COMPLIMENT to your brilliance - the brilliance God put inside of you.

The same brilliance you have been misled all your life to think is fake.

The same brilliance which opportunists simultaneously saw as bright, but wanted to dim you because your light felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable - or because they wanted to use your light all for themselves.

The good news is that it “back-fired” - and now the fire is back in your heart to burn all systems down and let the bridges you burn light the way.

Do you feel it

You have to channel your light and rage into creativity (all action is creativity) - action towards your own art, your own liberation and for all the creative seeds planted into you to create the world you wish existed;

Part of liberation for me includes accepting that I love resting 70% of the time and I will never be as conventionally ‘productive’ as many.

Part of liberation for me includes accepting not everyone is conscious to their own shadows/extractive nature, and that is not our responsibility to fix (even if it feels that way sometimes)

Everyone is playing their role - the narcissists paved the way for those of us who were busy healing from them to show up now in 2026 and tear the roof off ;)

my one of my favorite albums in highschool lol - very Revelation-vibes - but I believe that after End Times/Revelation comes the Golden Age. I refuse to energize doom timelines and I think if you know about the power of the mind, it behooves you to do the same.

To me, this is Beginning Times.

Beyond the noise and fearful frequencies of the screen - you know we came here for Beginning Times which is true liberation.

We can use AI in service to justice and break down all frequency fences and control grids of all kinds, but it first starts with removing these artificial control grids in our own heart.

How?

We shake out all levels of stagnancy and imbalance via flow on all levels.

We feel our rage and forgive ourselves and everyone else for disrespecting us, themselves, and God.

We feel it all. And move on and have guacamole.

“It is better to light a candle than to curse the dark”

To be continued….

Love,

Carlen

If you smell what I am cookin’, lmk if this resonated.